Grade Eleven and Twelve Sunday School Unit on Christian Marriage

Because our juniors and seniors had not done the units on Gender and Dating, I found that it was meaningful for them to look at issues related to all of the themes, but our main goal was to think about that one marital relationship they hoped to have one day.

Lesson One: Life Scripts

Begin with a discussion of Genesis 1-3 and the purpose of marriage.
Make the point that the word helper etzer does not necessarily mean a subordinate. God is also an etzer to human beings. The word etzer is used twice to refer to a woman, but 14 times to refer to god (see Psalm 54:4).

Christian marriage is not about hierarchy, nor is its purpose procreation. The purpose of marriage is companionship.

Objective: Perhaps all of us know people who have a tendancy (or have observed in our own habits) to repeatedly pair up with men or women with traits that make them unhappy. The objective of this exercise is to get the youth to begin thinking about who the right person truly might be and to orient students away from the quest for the right person to seeking to become the right person.

When I was in college, I belonged to a circle of friends who spent a great deal of time talking about "the Good." Our reflections ranged from politics to literature to our own relationships. We were a curious lot. Our collective reading of Jane Austen led us to discussions about the prospects of each of us finding the mate most suited to our own characters. One member of the group was a particularly gregarious and warm person whom my closest female friend and I both found attractive. I became aware, after a time, that our conversations with the young man in question began to be more interviews than dialogues. Eventually it came to light that he had a list that he had constructed of all of the attributes that the right woman for him should have. His intent was to find the perfect woman through conversation, rather than through the haphazard method of dating, that he found left people wounded rather than better informed about themselves and others. Rather than dating, he was spending his time improving himself -- making himself the best man he could be so that he would deserve a truly good woman --and seeking out the ideal woman. Both my girl friend and I had some of the traits but not all of them. I also became aware that she and I were becoming rivals, and so I decided that my friendship with her was more important to me and likely to be lifelong than my relationship to the young man, and so I backed off. As I watched their relationship develop, I became disturbed when I noted changes in my girlfriend when she was in the presence of the young man. She was becoming more like his list of attributes than herself, more compliant and gentle. In her love for him, she was trying to appear to be the perfect match. Perhaps, you can anticipate what happened. The two married, but by the next time I saw them together, my girl friend was once more fully herself, at times tempestuous and abrasive. Both were fully committed to their marriage and have built a good life together, but something the young man said to me in one of our conversations rings in my ears everytime I see them together. I recall asking him, "What if, after you have married, you realize that your wife is not all that you believe or hope her to be?" He answered, "I would never let her or anyone else know that she is not." I cannot help but wonder if the gap between the ideal he sought and the reality he found, weighed on his mind and possibly ate at his love, or if he had come to another understanding of what love is about.

While I do not think that it is wise to carry around a check list against which you will tick off the traits of a prospective partner, I do think that it is a healthy exercise to think about who you are and what sort of person's own habits complement yours. What kind of person will be an etzer (a helper) in drawing out your best qualities? If time allows begin with the abstract list of ideals? If not, jump to the second list.

If the group is close, you might encourage them to share all or parts of what they write. If they are not close, let them keep their lists and thoughts private, but have them make general observations about the process.

List one: With what sort of person do you want to be? If you wish to make this a group activity, have the students brain storm their collective vision of the ideal mate. It is very telling to have the girls generate one list and the boys another. It is my experience that the girls have given this more thought and list character traits (honest, considerate) while the boys have more personality (funny) and physical traits (thin) on their list. When I did this activity, when the boys began to realize this difference, half began taking the activity more seriously and giving more consideration to their answers; the other half seemed to regress.

Spend some time discussing the problems of creating such a list. Was it easy to generate? Why? Does our society encourage us to generate a picture of the ideal that no one can live up to? Would the person from list one, think of you as the ideal match?

List two: One of the things that I like about Jane Austen's novels is that everyone gets the marriage that they deserve. List your own character and personality traits. (It may be difficult for the youth to differentiate between character and personality traits -- the distinction in the end may be arbitrary --so let them make a combined list and have them star the ones that they think may be character rather than personality trait. In my experience, one can work at changing one's own character, but it is harder to change one's personality.)

If religion or church affiliation did not come up when generating the first list or is absent from the character traits, prompt the youth to give faith and religious practices some consideration.

List three: Think of the people whom you know well you help you draw out the better traits or better expressions of the traits that you have. No trait is necessarily good or bad, it is what you do with it that matters. List the sorts of traits they have that complement your traits and make for a harmonious and constructive relationship?

What sort of people do you like being around but with whom you find you are not always at your best. What sort of person do you want to become before you get married, so that you can live harmoniously and in a helpful relationship with the kind of person with whom you wish to be with and the kind of person with whom it makes sense for you to be married? Ask why it might be important to marry someone of a similar faith and background.

Lesson Two: Dating as a Prelude to Marriage or "Red Light/ Green Light" How do You Know When to Continue a Relationship?

Conversation Starters: In our culture, dating is a necessary prelude to marriage. It is the means by which we make decisions about who to marry. Discuss the down side of dating and what the benefits of an arranged marriage might be. What makes for a good date? What are the ingredients for a "date from hell?" What are the hazards of dating? Have you ever been the subject of the rumor mill after dating someone? Have you ever been treated as a conquest? What sorts of negative consequences of dates have you witnessed among your school mates?

Signs of trouble in a dating relationships

The habits of relating that we develop in dating relationships can carry over into our adult lives and relationships. The following discussion is designed to help youth catch warning signs in dating relationships that might prevent them from entering into abusive marriages.

Have you ever had a friend who was in an unhealthy dating relationship? What were the behaviors or incidents that suggested to you that this was not a healthy relationship? Dating coincides with a time of important development in a youth's life. Healthy friendships promote this development. Unhealthy ones hinder it. Divide your white board or flip chart paper into two columns. First ask the youth what the important developmental tasks of late adolescence are. Then ask them to describe the sorts of things boyfriends and girlfriends can do that undermine this development. Prompt the youth so that their chart contains some or all of the following. Whenever possible, illustrate the examples of abuse with stories from your own recollection. I have included some of my own stories below.

I had one very thin friend in my education program who seldom ate in front of anyone. When she did eat in our presence, she covered her mouth. In the course of studying adolescent developmental psychology, she realized that she had begun these habits while dating in high school because her boyfriend was obsessed with the possibility that she might gain weight and criticized her whenever he thought she was eating too much or the wrong thing.

One of my school friends lived for horses. When she was in Junior High, her dream came true when she was allowed to have her own horse. She got a part time job to help pay the stable fees and spent as much time as possible with her horse. In grade eleven, she began to date a boy who wanted all of her attention. She sold her horse to make him happy. Needless to say, he soon moved on to his next girlfriend.

Students often ask me, "How do you know is this is the right one?" This is the question that I suggest they ask, "Does this relationship make my world bigger?
Socrates says that when love is true "the lover wants for the beloved." That is, the lover wants what is best for the beloved.

The discussion of bad dates and abusive relationships may lead to the question of what happens when one member of a pair wants to take the relationship to the “next level?” If you have time, have the youth list the "lines" that partners who want more sexual activity from the relationship than the other wants. Then have them list the "come backs."
Here are some common "lines" and suggested "come backs." My youth came up with their own very clever and sensible lines. Remind the youth that coming up with a good line is hard to do when under pressure, and encourage them to recall what they come up with here.

The Line: "If you really love me, you'll show it by giving me all your love."
Come Back: "If you really love me, you'd respect my decision to wait.
The Line: "Every other [guy] girl does it."
Come Back: "Then go out with him [her]."
The Line: "Nobody's a virgin anymore."
Come Back: "So you think I'm nobody."
The Line: "We'll just do it this one time."
Come Back: "When I do it one time with someone, I plan to do it a thousand times more."
The Line: "If you're going to be so uptight, you may lose me."
Come Back: "Is that a threat? Losing someone who threatens me would be more gain than loss.”
The Line: Trust me. I won't let anything happen to you.
Come-backs:You don't have control over the whole situation. You don't know what is going to happen afterwards and I don't want to take the risk.
The Line: "Show me how much you love me."

Come Back: "I am showing you how much I love you by waiting."
The Line: "It will bring us closer together."

Come Back: "If anything, it will make things more complicated and tear us apart."
The Line: "It's OK, I've got a condom."

Come Back: "There are more consequences for having sex than just STDs and pregnancy."


Session Three: Pre-marital counseling.

Nancy Kauffmann, Indiana Michigan Conference Pastor came and shared with the group what happens in pre-marital counseling and some of her own experiences.

Session Four: Divorce

I shared my own story of being a child of divorce and ways that friends and the Church helped me through this very difficult experience. The focus of the discussion was upon how the youth could be supportive of each other if their parents separate or divorce. Students then looked at CMC's guidelines for divorce and remarriage.